No thanks, autopilot, I'll take it from here

I’m sick again. I probably don’t need to tell you how tired I am of being sick, what with the pneumonias and asthmas and whatchamacallits I’ve been talking about for the past year.

I told a couple people recently, there really does come a point where you have to make a choice: give up, or choose to live your life anyway. Given those two options, that’s a pretty easy choice for me, especially with two amazing kids to watch as they learn and create and grow.

But I’m realizing there’s a third option too. It’s the option of no-choice. It’s not expressly giving up and being immobilized by depression, but it’s not really living my life either. I think I’m going to call it the autopilot choice.

This autopilot choice, it’s tricky – it sneaks in whenever I’m just going through the motions, just picking up my son from school and getting the food on the table and not overtiring myself. Yes, there are days when it feels like all I can do is attend to these basics. But more and more, I’m realizing that if I’m just barely getting through the routine, I’m not really here. I’m just the housekeeper or maid or whatever.

Well, I’d like to state clearly for the record, I WANT TO BE HERE. As me, Sarah. Bringing forth who I am, no matter how sick, no matter how little energy I have. I want to connect to life in some creative way, which sends a spark of life to someone else who might be stuck in autopilot. I want us all to wake up and really be here -- can you imagine what this would be like?

Yeah, life is tough sometimes. Or a lot of the time. But I refuse to numb out and just get by on autopilot from now on. I choose to engage my life as profoundly as I can from wherever I find myself that day. Maybe that means giving myself permission to have a really good pout for 10 minutes first. But then, finding some way to connect in between taking care of tasks: making up a silly story with my son, sketching designs for a handbag, submitting ideas for talks & classes.

Because when I do these things, I feel awake, alive, connected to others, regardless of how I’m feeling. And that’s the real me I want to share with the world.

The Very Picky Caterpillar: a story by Isaac and Sarah

One morning a tiny caterpillar woke up inside an egg. He could only think of one thing. He was HUNGRY!

He looked around and couldn't see any way out. He thought to himself, "I guess I'll EAT my way out!" And so he did.

"Hmmm," he said. "That egg was not so tasty. I want to find something REALLY tasty to eat."

So he began to crawl around the garden where he hatched. He tasted turnips and munched on melons. He chewed on chives and sampled sorrel. "Tangy, but not quite what I was looking for." On he went.

He licked limes and ate asparagus. He was eating an eggplant when all of the sudden, out of the sky, KERPLOP!

The caterpillar was startled and curious about the big brown ball in front of him. He circled around and wondered to himself, "Could this be a giant egg? I will have to crack the shell to find out."

So he began to chew through the rough brown shell. It was tough and thick. He chewed and chewed and chewed.

Finally he took a bite and tasted something different. It was white and flaky. And it wasn't at all like turnips or melons, chives or sorrel. It wasn't like limes or asparagus or eggplant either. No, this taste was something entirely different. And it was entirely DELICIOUS!

"I love this!" exclaimed the caterpillar. "I wonder what it is?" Just then a butterfly flew by and landed on top of the big brown ball. "Maybe I'll ask him."

"Excuse me, please, but do you know, what is this delicious... thing?"

The butterfly smiled and chuckled. "Oh yes, I remember when I was a wee caterpillar your size, and I tasted my first coconut."

"Coconut?" repeated the caterpillar. "And what do you mean, when you were a caterpillar my size? You're a butterfly!"

"Oh sonny, life has many more beautiful discoveries in store for you. Take some advice from an old-timer like me. Enjoy every minute!"

"Well, I'm certainly enjoying this coconut," said the caterpillar. "I wonder what's next?"

And he couldn't wait to find out.

THE END