Saying Yes to My Life, Even When It Ain’t Easy

I was driving in the car yesterday, listening to the ringing in my left ear.  And I was feeling frustrated. So frustrated I wanted to scream.

For the past two months I’ve been working through really intense asthma and shut down in my lungs, but based on what I learned during a previous year of constant ups and downs, when I finally found a medicine that truly helped, I have been feeling pretty confident this round could be resolved the same way. My doctors, though, felt strongly about trying a powerful antibiotic first, and sadly, hearing damage is one of the potential side effects.

In the car, I wanted to shout, “It’s not fair! I’m just trying get the help I need, and now I may have permanent hearing damage and ringing in my ear?”  And I could feel my familiar life-negative attitude seeing an opening and jumping right on that train: “Yeah! Life sucks! Bad stuff happens all the time! Whoever signed up for this? I’m so done with this!” And I could feel the pull to ride that Grump Train right on outta here!

Then Grace stepped in, thankfully, and gently asked, “Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on the Grump Train?”

Ah. Good question.

And I could feel, as painful and frustrating as it can be here, that really is the question: Do I want to say yes to my life, accepting all of it, good, bad, and in between; or am I going to choose to write it off, and spend the rest of my life stuck feeling angry, or like a victim, basically immobilized by my life negativity?

Well, having already spent close to 40 years practicing a half-empty outlook on life, I have recently decided I’m ready for a change. Because here’s the deal, as I see it. If I give up on life, and that’s essentially what I’m doing when I let my life negativity take over, then I’m also saying no to all the beautiful parts of life – to bare feet on sun-warmed grass, to music that makes my body rejoice in being able to move, to sharing my creativity and compassion and uniqueness in a way that truly does help here.

And that’s what I want, in my heart of hearts, to help here. To help us love ourselves, warts and all, to help us let go of the endless games we play in trying to somehow prove we’re okay (or that we’re not okay, and justified in giving up on our lives), and instead to let our hearts shine forth their unique creativity in countless, profound ways.

Yes, crap happens. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I have to take a few minutes and give myself permission to shout out my frustrations. But it just seems to be part of the package here. It’s not a perfect realm, this gorgeous, alive, bursting-at-the-seams-with-creative-potential planet full of people. I think that’s the point, in some ways. If it was perfect, what would we do then? Somehow, I believe it’s meant to be messy – a happy mess that comes part and parcel with the fullest array of options for expressing ourselves.

So I say, yes to my life! To all the parts and pieces! Yes, I am willing to put up with the frustrations and pain in order to be able to fully participate, and do whatever I can, however I can, to help love and happiness flood in here, and open our hearts to our true purpose and potential as human beings.

Embracing the Messiness of Life

A warm hello to all, and a brief introduction of myself to those of you who don’t know me. I’m Sarah Nuxoll, mother of two young children in Portland, Oregon. I enjoy musing and pondering till some of those reflections are just bursting forth and then I enjoy writing them down.

It was inevitable, I think, that I would start my own blog one of these days. I’ve had the idea for a some time now, but have repeatedly shelved it for several reasons – fear of putting myself out there (what if someone thinks I’m crazy?), paralysis due to the stumbling block of my perfectionism (hmm, that sounds okay, but I bet I could come up with something better if I think about it a while longer), but most of all, waiting for uninterrupted time to sit down and actually follow through with my plan.

Which brings me neatly to the subject of the title of my blog: Embracing Messiness. As a mother, I so rarely have uninterrupted time to myself. My life is a jumbled conglomeration of half-made plans, abrupt about-faces in what is needed in the moment, seemingly urgent requests from my children. I’ll admit I am still in the infancy of realizing that parenting isn’t about self-sacrifice, that not just my mental health but the overall good of my family depend on my setting firm boundaries with my kids and taking time for what I need, too. (I expect you’ll hear more about that in future entries.)

But the deeper truth I’m coming to terms with, is that life is just plain messy. We want so desperately to think we’re in control, but the truth is, in many ways, life just happens to us. We have kids and are shocked to learn what parenting really entails, we develop health conditions, we move cross country, we lose someone from our lives – it is messy. And there’s no controlling it. It is so easy to sleepwalk through our lives waiting for that fictitious moment when things will slow down, or get easier, and cling to the belief that then we can do what we really enjoy with our lives.

But what I most want to share in this blog, is that the more we can embrace these interruptions and about-faces and unexpected challenges – the more we can bring our true, authentic selves into each of these moments – that’s when we can begin to let go of vague sense of waiting for the right moment and just allow ourselves to really be here. To wake up from the sleepwalking, and consciously relate to what is right in front of us. To actively participate in our lives.

And to that end, I am excited to share with you some of my process, my trials and errors, my humble revelations, in hopes I might help ignite your own yearning to be fully here. I’m glad for your companionship along the way.