No thanks, autopilot, I'll take it from here

I’m sick again. I probably don’t need to tell you how tired I am of being sick, what with the pneumonias and asthmas and whatchamacallits I’ve been talking about for the past year.

I told a couple people recently, there really does come a point where you have to make a choice: give up, or choose to live your life anyway. Given those two options, that’s a pretty easy choice for me, especially with two amazing kids to watch as they learn and create and grow.

But I’m realizing there’s a third option too. It’s the option of no-choice. It’s not expressly giving up and being immobilized by depression, but it’s not really living my life either. I think I’m going to call it the autopilot choice.

This autopilot choice, it’s tricky – it sneaks in whenever I’m just going through the motions, just picking up my son from school and getting the food on the table and not overtiring myself. Yes, there are days when it feels like all I can do is attend to these basics. But more and more, I’m realizing that if I’m just barely getting through the routine, I’m not really here. I’m just the housekeeper or maid or whatever.

Well, I’d like to state clearly for the record, I WANT TO BE HERE. As me, Sarah. Bringing forth who I am, no matter how sick, no matter how little energy I have. I want to connect to life in some creative way, which sends a spark of life to someone else who might be stuck in autopilot. I want us all to wake up and really be here -- can you imagine what this would be like?

Yeah, life is tough sometimes. Or a lot of the time. But I refuse to numb out and just get by on autopilot from now on. I choose to engage my life as profoundly as I can from wherever I find myself that day. Maybe that means giving myself permission to have a really good pout for 10 minutes first. But then, finding some way to connect in between taking care of tasks: making up a silly story with my son, sketching designs for a handbag, submitting ideas for talks & classes.

Because when I do these things, I feel awake, alive, connected to others, regardless of how I’m feeling. And that’s the real me I want to share with the world.