Loving my life is a choice, not a luxury

Happy Sarah, who lives on my
bedroom bulletin board

Recently I've been reviving an affirmation I learned a while back:
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I love my life.
Trying to really resonate with it, feel it in my cells, let my body choose this.

Because I've been struggling with old feelings of depression and anxiety lately, since we came back from New Zealand. It's probably related to the dearth of sunshine here. Or all the household worries piling back on all at once. For whatever reason, I've been struggling.

As I practice this affirmation, I realize that loving my life is really more about an active nurturing, tending, being gentle with, taking care of. It occurred to me that when I was 20, I thought that loving life was something we had no control over, I either woke up loving what was laid out in front of me or I didn't, and then went on to blame, resent, despair, etc.

Come to think of it, I practiced that a lot, those feelings of ultimately feeling like I had no power to change my outlook. If I saw the glass half-empty, I assumed I always would.

Not too long ago my husband forwarded me a link to an online essay, where the author said something like, "It doesn't really matter so much whether the glass is half full, or half empty, it's that there is a glass, and it's ours to do with as we choose ." I can't remember where I read this... Whoever you are who wrote this, I thank you for your inspiration, because it's along those lines I want to move forward now.

I'm realizing more and more it isn't so much about those changeable moods, wherein I find myself agonizing over fill-in-the-blank aspect of my life that isn't measuring up to what I expected... It really is about an active choice to love this opportunity to explore being me here, to love this "glass," actively, even as I might a stray kitty I want to befriend, choosing to pause and feel love for it even when I'm disappointed or stressed or frustrated or whatever.

I'm reassured to find they're not mutually exclusive, love and despair, love and stress, love and frustration. And the more I practice just loving my life, whatever it looks like, letting my cells align to that feeling of love, the easier it feels to trust that if I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other, things do work out. If I can just let them, stop trying so hard to do it all by myself. Let Love in.

A little ditty of an entry, or, an homage to the birds of New Zealand

The view from our Christchurch bedroom window at dawn:
a glorious sky over rooftops, tropical and familiar trees

A sweet and simple entry here, a loving thank you to the birds of New Zealand. How much joy you bring my heart, dear birds, when I wake in the morning and hear your melodious voices ringing out! What happiness to hear yet another new and extraordinary tune!

Here are links to a few recordings we've made of birdsongs so far here in New Zealand, as well as a link to a lovely reference site for those who might like to enjoy more!

***

This is a recording I made just before dawn on October 7th, right from my bedroom window here in Christchurch. The main singer here is one of my very favorites: Dawn Chorus Christchurch

Isaac amongst the magnificent stones
of Castle Hill

Another recording I made right in Christchurch, at the University of Canterbury where Andy is teaching. I was walking through campus and this bird was singing out so loudly and clearly and beautifully I sat down and installed my sound recording app and here we are: UC serenade

From our trip to Arthur's Pass, as we passed Castle Hill the first time we made a pit stop. I've never heard this kind of humming sound from a bird before: Castle Hill mystery bird. You may have to turn your volume up all the way to hear this guy -- it's not the background birdsong, it's the one that makes a high note then low note in that funny almost humming way. It was so new to me, like a bird from fairyland.

Josie on the beach at Hokitika

Also during our Arthur's Pass trip, we stopped at sunset in Hokitika on the West Coast to try to see glowworms in all their glory in a little dell by the side of the highway, but it was too light yet. The birds were magnificent though: Sunset chorus at Hokitika

These keas in Arthur's Pass were happy to interact with humans,
and loved pulling the rubber seals off our rental car!!

And as I will mention in my Arthur's Pass entry -- the warbling cries of those mischievous mountain parrots, the keas: Keas at the Viaduct Lookout, Arthur's Pass

Want to hear more? Thank you, New Zealand Dept of Conservation dictionary of birdsong and calls!
http://www.doc.govt.nz/conservation/native-animals/birds/new-zealand-bird-songs-and-calls/

The People of Christchurch: Warmth, Loss and Moving Forward

Andy in Cathedral Square, Christchurch

Hello again dear friends! Welcome to the continued tales of our time here in New Zealand. It feels important at this early point in my story to acknowledge that in addition to the breathtaking scenery and wildlife here, is a deeply warm and friendly people. From what others have shared, I believe this is true of most New Zealanders. But since we have the special privilege of interacting with and beginning to get to know some of the people of Christchurch, this story is particularly about them.

First and foremost, it is about their warmth. From bus drivers who get out of their seats to look at the map and plan our route with us, to shopkeepers curious and happy to chat with us, to our landlady who greeted us with a big hug the first time we met her and recently drove us out to her childhood home for tea so the kids could meet the baby lamb and goat and canaries and quail there -- people seem genuinely interested in making a connection, in being helpful, in simple human kindnesses. This has been like a welcoming backdrop to the whole trip so far, a sense of warmth and ease that have set a tone for just enjoying exploring and meeting people here.

Looking one direction: the river and bridge and
gardens are a balm to the spirit

Secondly, the people of Christchurch have survived a great loss. A series of major earthquakes struck the area in 2010 and 2011, and devastated the historic center of the city, as well as leaving a burden of stress and trauma on nearly every resident I've spoken with.  I can't tell you how many people, once they hear we're staying here for a few months, have said something like, "Pity you didn't get to see it before the earthquakes," or "It's such a shame, it just isn't what it used to be." Almost every one of them has seem to need to talk about the experience in some way - the trauma of the quakes themselves, or the lasting effects on spirit. 

Same spot, looking south toward the Cathedral:
still healing from the quakes

At our first trip to the farmer's market, we were waiting in line at a food booth, and began a conversation with a middle-aged man there. As usual, he brought up the earthquakes, and I tried to provide a listening, loving presence for what he wanted to share. At one point he said, "I've had a lot of jobs that involved danger. But it was more than that. Even now, as a grown man, it's hard not to burst into tears talking about it." A shopkeeper told me of her grandchildren who needed to sleep in their parents' bedrooms for years following the quakes. And how surreal it was after the nighttime quake, getting up out of bed and opening her front door, and smelling sulphury smells from the earth, and being startled by a sky brimming full of stars with all the streetlights out. A woman sitting next to me on the bus one day who must have been in her 80's, was telling me just how beautiful the historic downtown used to be. How many memories she had of climbing up to the top of a certain building and looking out, and how her grandchildren would never get to experience that. How she felt like the downtown had lost its soul.

Again and again -- and more so the older generation it feels -- are still working through their trauma. Even the librarian, when I mentioned how back home I offer workshops for coping with the stresses of parenting and managing chronic illness, said how the people here could really use some tools for coping with stress. How many people are still, after 4 years, working with insurance to get the repairs done to their houses. How the problem of this chronic stress and heaviness had become so widespread there are civic campaigns reminding people to smile.

Starting over after the earthquakes in creative ways

Andy and I toured downtown on foot about 10 days ago. Friends of mine who had visited Christchurch before the quakes described the historic downtown as charming and quaint, with beautiful winding streets and waterways, and a European feel with the historic buildings all around. The downtown now is a strange nestling together of seeming opposites -- the lovely river curling through a gardened square, then turning 180 degrees to see a leveled city block with fencing all around, scaffolds on surviving buildings. The Christchurch Cathedral - probably the most well known icon of Christchurch - had severe damage, and is still crumbling on one side, awaiting restoration. The whole city, but particularly the downtown where the old stone buildings were, is spotted with fencing, scaffolding and rubble. So many reminders of what was lost, even 4 years later.

I think what has surprised me in my naivete about the aftermath of natural disaster, is two things: how long the trauma lingers, and secondly, how much of a people's identity is tied into their surroundings -- how the appearance and character of what is around us bring meaning to our daily experience.

The Re:START coffee shop - feels so inviting to me!

Despite all this, there have been creative movements to bring the recovery forward. One the people here seem particularly proud of - and with good reason - is the Re:START mall (http://www.restart.org.nz/). There seems to be a running joke in town: how many different ways can you use shipping containers in recovery efforts? The most creative way seems to be in this Re:START mall, where shipping containers have been painted and remodeled into a really attractive small shopping center. I loved the vivid colors and the attention to creating little nooks for green spaces and quiet cups of tea or a chat. There's a coffee shop, bookstore, vintage store, upscale souvenir store, hip clothing store, and others. 

The Re:START colors tickle my fancy : )

I also really love the campaign for remembering how to enjoy life that the librarian mentioned. If you're curious, you can check it out at www.allright.co.nz. The basic premise is summed up by this sentence from their website: "Recovering from a disaster of this magnitude isn’t easy, so it’s vital that we continue to take a little extra care of ourselves and each other." The posters and website are filled with really accessible information about caring for our mental health in small ways every day, polls that check in on how people in the area are feeling, and how to get help if it feels like too much. I really applaud them for this. I feel happy when I feel people coming together like this to help each other.

So here we are, in a city on the other side of the world with loss and hope mixed together, a people who are doing their best to heal, move forward and embrace life and each other as best they can. I'm feeling pretty privileged to get to know you, People of Christchurch. Thanks for having us.

Cathedral Square today: I found this collage of recovery and creativity really moving

Is it just me, or does it smell like eucalyptus?

All good choices

Our first steps on Kiwi soil were the morning of Monday August 25th after a 12 hour plane ride from Los Angeles. By a neat trick of the international dateline, it was still Sunday afternoon in Portland. Needless to say, it took a few days to get our sleeping and eating figured out. By another neat trick, it is late winter verging on a beautiful spring here, chilly mornings and early nights, and gloriously sunny days. So whilst we were finding our veggies and oatmeal and blinking sleepily by 5pm, we were hankering for some exploring.

Andy, God bless him, intrepidly planned our first major foray on the Metro, the public bus system here, which turns out to be fantastic. He plotted our route into the Port Hills south of town. I'm still learning about the geology here, but I'd just like to say that on our little hop from Auckland (on the North Island) to Christchurch (about midway down on the east side of the South Island), I saw more mountains than I've ever seen at one time, stretching west into the horizon and north and south as far as I could see. So the terrain here is pretty magnificent, with the "Southern Alps" in the interior of the island, stretching down into hills and valleys and fjords and sweeping bays of all kinds as go you toward the coast.

Lyttleton Harbour within the ancient volcanic rim.
Christchurch is just to the North.
(For a larger view, you can click on any photo)

The Port Hills are part of an ancient volcanic crater rim just to the south of Christchurch, enclosing Lyttleton Harbour. Andy planned a route for us between two rest houses called the Sign of the Takahe, and the Sign of the Kiwi. Both these are part of a Summit Road conservation project lovingly championed by a New Zealander named Harry Ell, born in the latter half of the 19th century. Thanks to his vision, these breathtaking Port Hills and their vistas are protected green spaces, with miles upon miles of "walking tracks" (or hiking trails as we would call them), and these old stone rest houses, still closed from the earthquakes in 2010 and 2011 (more on these in a later entry).

View from the Takahe:
The Canterbury plains with the Southern Alps in the distance

Having spent all week in very urban parts of the city, it was quite literally a breath of fresh air to be hiking up those hills. There is a viewing point at the Sign of the Takahe where you can see all of Christchurch laid out in the Canterbury plains, out to Pegasus Bay and the Pacific Ocean, and into the moutainous interior. It was so stunning - with so many shades of green, and the clouds casting here and there shadows across the sweeping landscape - even the kids were awed.

Another view from the Takahe:
These green hillsides were so inviting, Josie wondered
if we could find them and walk on them.

Then after some help from a local cabbie, we found our way to the path leading up to the Sign of the Kiwi, through forest in parts, sometimes with more of that magnificent view as our walking companion. This walk was a delight in so many ways, but two vividly stand out to me even now.

One, the sounds! An astounding number of the birds here are unique to New Zealand, so everywhere I hear them, I am enchanted. Listening to them as I'm waking up, or as I'm walking about town, I instantly feel transported to a tropical island somewhere (not so far from the truth, after all). Andy said it's like being in the bird room at the zoo. Very much so... I hope to soon find a way to record some of the birdsong and share it here.

A New Zealand fantail
(with thanks to Wikipedia)

And even though his call isn't particularly remarkable, one of these little fellows came and danced with his tailed all fanned out in the bushes right next to the trail as we walked past. (Here's a link to a page with a little video of them.) It was so eye-catching and at the same time intimate, I felt like I had just stepped into a frame from one of those nature shows, really a magical sense of having dropped right into the "Life of Birds" for example, live. I guess it was one of those moments when I realize that all those extraordinary things I've heard about or seen on TV are really happening somewhere on this amazing planet.

Okay, so I mentioned two stand-out things from the walk. The second was more subtle at first. As we got a little higher into the hills, a couple neurons fired in my brain and I asked out loud, "Is it just me, or does it smell like eucalyptus?" And then I looked up, and sure enough, there was a stand of eucalyptus trees reaching up to the sky with their lanky and fragrant bodies. From that point I noticed more and more of them, and between that gentle waft of eucalyptus, and the scent of the fresh bushy pines, and the mountain breeze, I honestly think I was breathing in the sweetest smelling air I have ever had the pleasure to partake of.

Lyttleton Harbour as seen from the Sign of the Kiwi:
There is something about the shape and color and feel
of this landscape that makes my heart sing!

By the time we reached the Sign of the Kiwi at the crest of the hill, where you can walk 30 paces from the view on one side and those sweeping Canterbury plains, to the view down into the Polynesian-feeling waters of Lyttleton Harbour, I was in love with this place, thanking God and the Earth for this gift, and Andy for the momentum to get us here!

Until next time, warm wishes for your own adventures! (Or as they say here, cheers!)

Hello New Zealand!

The kids and I in the Port Hills south of Christchurch

Want to hear something curious? It's something I realized this summer, as we were preparing for this trip to New Zealand. I was reflecting on how whenever I've heard the name "New Zealand" in my life, it's had an extra sparkle of sorts, a shimmer of some kind of kismet or connection I couldn't even quite put into words.  It made me wonder, what other places have lit up for me like that from the moment I learned about them? My list included Ann Arbor, France, Oregon, Tahiti, New Zealand...  What I was surprised to realize was how I have had the pleasure of visiting or living in all of these places over my lifetime, not always even of my own doing. Sure, we decided together on our Tahiti honeymoon, but Andy was only accepted to grad school in Ann Arbor, and there were only two schools in the country he had job offers for when we moved to Portland. 

It makes me feel like Time isn't the one-way street I assume it to be from day to day. It feels almost like this shimmery quality to these place names was a sort of touch on the shoulder from the Future, existing somehow simultaneously with the Now. A tip of the hat from the Future Me, a little gift of excitement and love for my life here. 

And that is truly what I wish and pray for this time in New Zealand to be -- a time for us as a family to celebrate life, its beauties and quirks and people and connections. To let all the change and newness shake up our routines enough to really look around, and be here, consciously, with deep gratitude for the wonders of this Earth and all the other people and life forms sharing this planet with us.

We're living in Christchurch, on the east coast of the South Island

Here's something else that surprised me. Before we arrived, when I looked at a map of the world and saw how far south New Zealand is -- even further south than Australia and seeming precariously close to Antarctica -- I honestly felt a pang of fear imagining ourselves here, like we would fall off the bottom of the planet or something. Like it really would somehow feel upside down, almost alien. I didn't realize I was carrying this fear around with me, until we got off the plane in Christchurch, and I was struck instead by how oddly familiar it felt. It was as if, looking around at the sky and the trees, the right side-up buildings and feeling gravity holding me firmly on the ground, that I had a sense of "small world," realizing it is truly the Earth that is my home, that welcomes me wherever I may be. And now that I think about it, it felt this way in Europe, and Tahiti, and all the places I've been. That also feels like magic to me.

And so, from my home away from home on this stunningly beautiful island that is called New Zealand -- or Aotearoa, its Maori name, which also has a bit of that shimmer for me -- I am excited to begin sharing about our adventures and discoveries, big and small. 

Wherever on Earth you may be reading this, may it light up in some special way for you too : )

love,

Sarah

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to stress...

I'd like to share about a funny pattern I'm studying this week in my life.  It connects back to something my meditation teacher Brenda Morgan said at the retreat I went to in August, that humans have an "addiction" to stress and tension. As crazy as it sounds, that really resonated with me. I've been trying to study this in my life, and I'm noticing how my tendency is to actually make a stressful choice rather than an enjoyable one. Weird, huh?

Here's an example.  This past week I needed to deal with a car issue. On Monday of this past week, I needed to use about 1/3 tank of gas in my car so we could try one way of correcting the problem, in hopes of passing DEQ before my registration expired on Friday. My first reaction was to worry and obsess over the most efficient way to accomplish this... I considered just leaving it running in my driveway all day while I checked off chores on my to-do list at home, driving a few hours straight out and back on the highway, even trying to find a neighbor who might know how to siphon it out, and so on, until it occurred to me -- hey, I could do something fun, a little outing! The weird part was how much resistance I felt to doing this. The worry part of me wasn't very interested in having fun. Somehow having fun didn't seem right when I had this stressful problem to fix.

But the weather was beautiful, and I had made a commitment to working with this pattern, so my dog and I jumped in the car and drove out into the Columbia River Gorge, through gorgeous thick evergreen forest, to a beautiful viewpoint I'd never been to before at the top of Larch Mountain. It was wonderful!

By the time I got back and picked up my kids from school, I was pretty worn out, though. I was hoping to get to the mechanic and put in the fuel additive yet that afternoon, as I was concerned about passing my car inspection in time. And I wasn't even sure this was going to work yet! My "hurry get-it-done!" side was all about heading out right then before the mechanic closed up for the night. But I sat down in a chair, put my feet up for 10 minutes, and let myself relax before I made the choice. I could feel it wasn't right to push myself. I decided to wait until the next day.

And you know what? It all worked out perfectly. AND I was able to relax, take care of myself and have fun in the process.

So why did I fight this? My brain just wanted to obsess and worry about it, quick try this, try that, what if, what if, push push push. It wanted to do that way more than it seemed to want to take a beautiful drive in the mountains, or put my feet up for 10 minutes and relax even though the problem wasn't fixed yet. But boy did I feel so much better making the choice to enjoy myself, take care of myself... What a crazy addiction!

I am beginning to see how I constantly have a choice of how to relate to my daily issues -- and even just the flow of my day -- that is either stressful, or is a conscious choice to create or participate in something that helps me enjoy my life. And to trust that, no matter how much I feel that drive to keep pushing and solve it, fix it, get it done, that the real solution actually lies in opting out of that program, and choosing to love myself and my life instead.

I'd love to hear if anyone else has noticed this strange stress addiction in their own lives, and any ways you've found that help you make a happier choice instead!

A new way of feeling "sustainable living"

Today is the last day of school for my kids, and the past few weeks have been extra full with picnics, plays, and other special end-of-year commitments. I've been noticing my calendar get fuller and fuller, and at the same time, noticing my mood get worse and worse!

A couple days ago I was feeling the phrase "sustainable living" in a different sense than the environmental one...  I was feeling it in relationship to how I am living my life, from day to day. Because this too-busyness, and this grumpiness, don't feel like sustainable living! Not only do I feel I tired and burnt out, but then I start to lose my enjoyment of my life, and anxiety and depression start to creep in at the edges. Resentment toots its horn, and I realize my attitude through my days has shifted to something like, "I don't want to be here!"

Whoa, Nelly! That's not how I want to want to spend my days!

It isn't easy to break out of this go-go-go till I drop routine, but I want something more for my life than just getting things done. I want to try something new,  a renewed commitment to taking care of myself, to feeling my days through the lens of "sustainable living."

I want to try asking myself:
Is this sustainable for my physical health? Or am I wearing myself down?
Is this sustainable for my heart, my spirit? Am I waking up dreading my day, or feeling a love and tenderness for who I am, and for what my life really means to me?

And you know what seems to be the biggest key to making my days "sustainable" over the long term? Unscheduled time in my day. This has surprised me, the simplicity of this, just simply giving myself permission to feel, in the moment, what my heart longs for, and giving myself that gift, whether it's a walk outside, or an outing to a fabric store, or putting my feet up with a good book, or just relaxing in the sun and quietly breathing and listening.... There's something in this spaciousness that loosens my whole tight, stressful attitude, and helps me feel the bigger picture of my life again. How precious it is. How precious this time with my children is. How precious this body is that carries me around every day.

May I give myself this gift of spaciousness every single day, so that my life becomes even more than "sustainable;" may I truly remember my love for my life.